WORD CRIMES, by "Weird Al" Yankovic

ONE WOMAN, 17 BRITISH ACCENTS

FOX IN SOCKS

CASSETTE BOY vs THE NEWS

[Cassetteboy Vs The News]
Okay, hello. The BBC has won a high court battle for the right to broadcast child pornography. And there could be more bad news on the way.

Good evening welcome to the BBC News taken out of context. Our top story tonight.

The battle of our bonuses is far over, hundreds of city traders and bankers wearing Balaclavas ambushed the Royal Bank of Scotland today. Business Tycoons carrying sledgehammers smashed British biggest bank shoplifting their multi-million pound bonuses. Police have described the high flying bosses as dangerous.

But first tonight the celebrity chef Antony Worrall Thompson has delivered an defying speech at his local branch of Tesco. He promised to use an iron fist to deal with protests against his T.V. programs.

When it comes to alcohol, how much is too much? The court in Paris said it’s up to Scotland to decide. They say you should have 300 units every 45 minutes and stop off for a beer on the way home. That’s already a guideline in Scotland.

Our correspondent Jeremy Cook has been focusing on the market town of Hereford,

[Jeremy Cook]
Hereford, Hereford, Hereford. Jeremy Cook BBC News Hereford,

[Cassetteboy Vs The News]
A reminder tonight of salacious gossip. There’s been a shock response around the world the video footage appearing to show US Secretary of State Hillary Clinton urinating on Boris Johnson, for an ITV program. It was deplorable behavior.

The labor leader Ed Miliband has told BBC that his cocks have remained untouched for thousands of years and maybe just maybe the longest on record for a British Citizen. Thousands of women remain confused and worried.

The government says it has not plans to get the economy moving again, but David Cameron said the Olympic Games in the Queens Diamond Jubilee would provide opportunities to showcase the countries struggling to pay the bills.

In the meantime, there are still plenty of people who want to kill off David Cameron, but today there was a rare display of unity in the common as David Cameron and the labor leader Ed Miliband both decided that they should be allowed to end their own lives.

And Nick is in Westminister for us: What is David Cameron really up to?

[Nick Robinson]
The British Prime Minister is a posh English Queen, he has his own dick up his ass.

[Cassetteboy Vs The News]
Nick thanks very much. Goodbye.

ROUNDABOUTS

CHEAP FLIGHTS!

DO YOU SPEAK ENGLISH?

LEARNING ENGLISH PRONUNCIATION (don't take it too seriously)

HOW TO STOP FARTING

excessive flatulence

How To Treat Excessive Flatulence

Are you gassy? Do you have problems with noise and odor? Do you try to blame every episode on the family dog? Excessive flatulence can be embarrassing, but take heart; there is help available. Let VideoJug show you how to control your gas.

Step 1: Eat Right

Say goodbye to fried, fat and fiber and hello to peppermint and ginger! Fried food, fatty food, and too much fiber can give you bloat and gas, but peppermint and ginger ease digestion. Still gassy? Try cutting back on dairy, too.

Step 2: Eat Right For You

Eating right isn't enough; You have to eat right for you. Figure out what makes you gassy and cut it out of your diet. Some foods and beverages that could be the culprits include: beans, onions, broccoli, brussel sprouts, cauliflower, artichokes, asparagus, apples, pears, prunes, peaches, gum, whole-wheat bread, bran, beer, soda, milk, cream, and ice cream.

Step 3: Eat The Right Way

It's not just what you eat, it's also how you eat. Slow down! Eat smaller meals. Take smaller bites. Chew thoroughly. Don't gulp. Take small sips. Don't use straws. Don't talk while you eat. Stop chewing gum. The less air you take it, the less air you'll need to let out.

Step 4: A Little Help From The Drugstore

Still gassy? Get a little chemical help. Beano, lactase supplements and activated charcoal may help, and they're available over the counter at almost any drugstore or supermarket. If you can't find activated charcoal, try the health food store.

SCOTTISH VOICE OPERATED LIFT

TALE OF TWO BRAINS (Mark Gungor)